I Get to Vote Again!

Posted on February 9th, 2009

2009-02-09The American elections are very straightforward. They occur every four years on the first Tuesday of November. There are only two parties. Each candidate adopts a slogan which defines his party (“Yes, We Can” or “Alaska is near Russia”) and whomever can answer difficult questions out on the campaign trail (“How many houses do you own?”) usually wins.

The opposite of the orderly American elections is the balagan that we engage in here every… well that’s just it. We never know when the next elections take place. That’s why most politicians start taking bribes immediately. They just don’t know how long before they will be voted out.

We can never predict who will be running. Every election small parties come and go. My favorite one hit wonder from the last election was the pensioners’ party. They achieved their goal in that all seven Knesset members can now go back to retirement with really big pensions.

So who will win tomorrow? Well the polls show a really close race. Yet poll numbers in Israel cannot be accepted. In fact, a recent Channel 3 poll found that 82 percent of respondents admit to regularly lying to pollsters. The big question is whether to believe that people who claim to be lying are telling the truth.

Since the Israeli elections can be so confusing, I now present the second Crossing the Yarden Guide to the Israeli elections. If you just take one minute to read on, you will no longer be confused and know exactly which party you must vote for:

The Likud: Benjamin Netanyahu is today the most popular candidate among those who considered him least popular when he was Prime Minister. If elected, Netanyahu has promised to destroy Hamas, free Gilad, end the Iranian threat, reform the economy, bring Moshiach and tackle whatever the next three issues the polls are showing people care about.

Kadima: Kadima is a one man party. Which is very interesting because the man it is based on is not only hated by both the right and the left, but also has been in a coma for a few years. I can only assume that their impressive poll position is due to the many other coma patients whose preferences were recorded. That and the really neat looking Tzipi Livni posters plastered on all the buses.

Labor: Labor believes that they can make peace by strategically giving in to every single demand made by Israel’s enemies. They are unfazed by the recent polls showing that more people in Israel love drinking beet juice than will vote for them. In a surprise move, Labor named U.S. President Barack Obama as their leader and adopted the slogan “Yes, can we too?”

Israel Betenu: (“Israel is my home, get out”) is led by Avigdor Lieberman. He has received a great deal of notoriety for his controversial plan to annex West Bank Settlements and give Arab populated areas of the Galilee and Detroit to the Palestinians. This has most alarmed Arab Israelis who although they want to help their Palestinian brothers destroy the State of Israel, they really don’t want to live with them.

The National Union of Jewish Homes: Since they realize that their views are only shared by a tiny fraction of Israeli voters, the right wing of Israeli politics is taking the sensible approach by… dividing into several even smaller parties. Their goal seems to be to sit in the opposition and work on how to divide into even more parties after the elections.

The Pot Smoking Holocaust Survivors: I’m not making this up!! The small parties that represent Holocaust Survivors and those who want to legalize Marijuana have formed one crazy party. Hey, if enough people think this is a joke and vote for them, they just might win!

Shas and United Torah Judaism: Religious parties. If you are a true believer you must vote for them because 1) they represent the “true believer” population of Israel and 2) you really believe that voting for someone else is a vote for the devil.

Now, I hope that has cleared things up. Go vote tomorrow and enjoy the holiday.

Chag Election Sameach from our crazy, blessed nation.


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