Gimme That Medal!

Posted on October 12th, 2009

Won it without even trying!

Won it without even trying!

By now of course, you have heard the news that I have been awarded the Olympic Gold medal in cycling. For a long time I was worried that I would never win it, especially considering that I am not actually a world class bike racer. Apparently, we now live in an age where actual accomplishments are no longer a determining factor in receiving even the highest public honors.

The committee that awarded me the gold medal said that while I did not really win any bike races, there was an unanimous feeling that I have done a “great deal to create conditions for the winning of bike races.”

At first I thought I had won because of my participation in the national bike race of North Korea. Then I remembered: I didn’t enter. In fact, I don’t believe the race directors there took my request to ride very seriously. The committee must have determined that just the idea of me riding among the starving, militaristic Korean masses was inspiring enough to grant me the medal.

Come to think of it, I haven’t ridden my bike in Central or South America, Russia, China, or anywhere outside of Israel for that matter. Still, a number of people who comment on this blog live somewhere on Earth and say they like my writing riding. Perhaps that moved the committee to make their decision?

No, it must have been my efforts here in Israel and in the famous “territories” that tipped the scale in my favor. Although I haven’t won any bike races here either, I have called out loudly for peace (usually when riding past Palestinians holding stones).

He got this for inspiring the Olympic Curling

Did you get yours yet? Why not?

For whatever the reason the Committee chose to give me this medal, I will accept it and believe myself worthy. So I thank the committee for all their hard work at recognizing (and overlooking) my lack of world class accomplishment.

So now all those who stand equally undeserving of the highest honors the planet has to give should feel inspired. Just recite the slogan:

Even without accomplishment, Yes We Can win the adoration of a few Norwegian senior citizens.

Now, I need to go polish my medal.

Dear readers, please take a moment to sponsor me in the Alyn ride. We’re still short of our goal by $1,000. Please click here to help the children treated at Alyn Hospital. Thanks, Yarden


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  1. Paul Goldstein says:

    For what’s it’s worth, I wrote to the Olympic Gold Medal Committe and submitted your name!
    Be well,


  2. Dennis Berman says:

    I protest, I protest, I protest. It’s another case of doping!!!! The Nobel Peace Prize Committee is the biggest bunch of “dopes” on earth.
    Such “doping” is surely illegal! Isn’t it??!?

  3. David Bernstein says:

    I thought of submitting yoiur name but realized I did not have to
    your accomplishments should be sufficient!! 🙂

  4. Kenny Kodish says:

    EXCELLENT Yarden!! Based on this trend, I feel revitalized that any minute Cleveland will be awarded greatest sports town of all-time, even though the CAVS have never won an NBA Championship, the Browns have NEVER been to a Super Bowl, and the TRIBE has not won a World Series since 1948.

    (Six Super Bowl rings that my Pittsburgh friends have been waving around for the past 30+ years are nothing compared to the “desire” of Cleveland fans to experience success in ANY sport)

    Glad the world finally woke up and rewrote the rules. My kids will be thrilled that merely wanting to do well in school will be enough to be Rhodes Scholars.

  5. Josh Sussman says:

    What about the age category you won on Lag B’Omer? Don’t sell yourself short!

  6. yarden says:

    Actually Josh is right. I did earn that medal. I just couldn’t find any unearned medals lying around. Guess I have to go to Norway.

  7. Benjie Aziz says:

    I understand President Obama will be awarded the National League MVP, the American league Rookie of the Year award, and the Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year for non participation in all of the above.
    Doesn’t this jive with US gov’t policy of paying farmers for NOT growing certain product.

  8. Peter says:

    I think it is sad that you all say that Obama didn’t deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. He did deserve it, that’s why he won it. Who else on the planet, in the past year, has stuck up for human rights – and stood up to the “business as normal” policies pursued by the Bush Administration? For eight years Bush did with respect to the Road Map for Peace, that had supposedly been ratified. Now is the time. The Road Map must move forward, even if we must make tough sacrifices for the greater good.

  9. yarden says:


    What exactly has Obama done to move the Road Map forward? (besides speeches). Do you think his approach has brought us any closer to peace? I’m not speaking about what you think will bring peace, I am asking what accomplishment Obama can point to as evidence that he is deserving of the Nobel.

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