It Hurts

Posted on August 10th, 2011

Stella in the cancer curing Alyn jacket

I know it’s the chemo and not the cancer, but it is so painful to see Stella suffering. This cycle has been really bad so far. I sit holding her hand and just wish there was something else I could do for her.

Sorry, but this is not going to be one of those upbeat positive entries. In many ways, it is easier to write about hope and battling cancer than to actually watch someone doing so. I look at her beautiful face and think of all the smiles and laughs we have shared. I know, I know — this is not an urgent crisis, it’s just part of the chemo cycle and within a few days she will be up and about, walking the dog as the sun comes up, and going to work.

But I don’t really know.

I’m scared.

You know, of course I have loved Stella for over twenty years. But this may sound corny, but maybe I didn’t even know what love was until now.

I would do anything, anything at all to get her better.

Maybe the problem is that Stella NEVER gets sick…. or at least she never admits it. So the bottom line is that I have never seen her suffer like this. And it shocks me senseless.

Come on, it’s just the side effects of the chemo, right? I’m over-reacting, right?

Please G-d, heal her. Do it without the suffering.

I am not angry at G-d, No.

How can I be angry at G-d who made me and Stella meet, fall in love, and have such a wonderful marriage?

I have had the most amazing life with this amazing person. Am I greedy for wanting….demanding more?

O.K., she just woke up. So maybe she will feel better.

Thanks for listening.

Yarden

 

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Comments

  1. We’re listening Yarden. And hoping and crying and praying. And have an infinite supply of hugs, and ears, and silence – whatever you need.

  2. rutimizrachi says:

    “You know, of course I have loved Stella for over twenty years. But this may sound corny, but maybe I didn’t even know what love was until now.”

    One of the most beautiful and least corny things you’ve ever said. Other than that, I echo our friend Laura. And I know that that echo is reverberating all over the world.

  3. libby anfinsen says:

    Dear Stella and Jorden, Remember the old cliche, It is always darkest just
    before the dawn…it sounds like you are there……Then the sun comes out and light fills the day……May you both walk hand and hand in the warming
    sunshine that has the power to vanquish the gloom. A new year is coming,
    may it be one of good health and better times for all the Frankls. libby A

  4. Bill Landau says:

    Laura – Thank you for expressing so well what so many of us are feeling.

    Just said a couple of more Tehillim before heading out to see clients.

  5. Tova Rubenstein says:

    We are listening!

    Chemo is one of those necessary evils – a means to an end. As we learn from Mary Poppins -it goes down better with a spoonful of sugar, love, support and prayer from friends. You are B”H blessed in all of these areas.

    In Afrikaans they say Vasbyt- Bite (/hold on ) hard – just get through this phase.

    Tova and Yitzchak

  6. Karen says:

    If the doctors say it’s the chemo that’s making her so sick — and giving the timing, it makes sense — believe them. Chemo is a wonderful thing, you poison the patient to cure them. It used to be much, much worse, but it still isn’t any fun. I’m sure that she has meds for the side effects, but if they’re bad, ask if she can have anything else (or a higher dosage of what she has).

    It’s also normal for each cycle with the same meds to be worse. The side effects are cumulative. fortunately, so are the benefits. Hang in there, it sounds like she’s doing fine.

  7. Karyn says:

    Our ears hear your cry and our hearts feel your pain.
    After this weeks very difficult round of chemo may Stella rest, recover, and regroup.
    Lean on all of us knowing that you are surrounded by friends and community that care deeply for both of you and the children.

  8. Judy Simon says:

    I remember once when I took my young child for her immunization shots, and I was having a very hard time watching her pain, someone gave me a quick dvar torah that helped me.
    When Hashem gives us challenges in life, He’s feeling the same thing as a mother giving her child a necessary shot–it hurts Him to see us in pain, but He knows that it is exactly what we need.
    I can only just guess that your feelings were similar but exponentially stronger–you realize, of course, that this is exactly what Stella needs to beat this monster. But it’s hard to see her in such pain/discomfort nonetheless.
    You’re putting yourself in Hashem’s large shoes. It is just such pain while He watches us handle our challenges.
    May all the pain and suffering, yours and hers, be a Kappara for you, for your families, and for all of Am Yisrael. Amen

  9. Anonymous says:

    I’m listening to Judy Simon’s interview with Stella and was able to find your blog. I can tell you, I too am davening for Stella.

  10. Marybeth says:

    It is just part of the process. .. A crappy process but a process. Keep smiling through the bad stuff; it will make you feel better. Lots of people listening and rooting you on.

  11. Sharon Baratt says:

    I knew G-d gave me broad shoulders for a reason – you can “cry” on my shoulder anytime, my friends.
    Yes, I agree with previous posts – it is a crappy process. And it’s even more crappy when it is happening to someone you, Yarden, love so much and there is nothing concrete you can do to fix it – to make it go away – to get everything back the way it was – to make it you and not Stella, the person you love so much…but, if the roles were reversed, this wonderful, spectacular person, Stella, who you love loves you, too and would want for you not to suffer, to make it go away, fix it, get everything back the way it was, and to make it her – and not you, Yarden, the person she loves so much – the one who is sick.
    Hang in there, kiddo. You have people all over the world who are davening and saying tehillim for Stella and your entire family.
    Much love, tehillim and tefilos for all of you.

  12. libby anfinsen says:

    May this shabbat bring you orah, vsimcha vsauson, Stell and Jordan together with your sacred love for each other. libby a

  13. Ellen says:

    It’s now several days after you posted this entry and I hope that Stella is already feeling better. We’re thinking about you all the time.
    Ellen and Amos