I Didn’t Want to Write This

Posted on October 4th, 2012

I didn’t want to write this post.

I hoped I never would have to write anything of the sort. I had dreamed and occasionally let myself believe that the cancer movie was over for good. I could release the army and remove Stella’s name from prayer lists. We could just go about with our lives as before, with a whole lot more understanding of the value of every minute of every day, plus an appreciation of how many people out there love Stella almost as much as I do.

Can’t I just post articles from the Onion instead of cancer updates?

No. I can’t.

The fucking cancer has returned.

Stella will have to restart chemotherapy after the holidays.

Needless to say, everyone except Stella is in a world of hurt right now. Stella is taking the news in stride and telling us all not to worry. She has been cooking for Shabbat and trying to re-arrange her work schedule.

I am trying to break myself out of the shock and dust off our “How to Fight Cancer” manuals that we thought we had put away for good.

And now, I am going to go try and find a punching bag so I can write the word “cancer” on it and beat the crap out of it.

I don’t like cursing. I don’t like how swear words sound when spoken or look when written. I don’t like when a four letter word pops into one of the songs I’m listening to while working out.

But you know…

Sometimes there just aren’t enough legitimate words to express what I’m feeling.

Since I already broke the rules with nasty language, I will do so once more.

FUCK YOU CANCER.

Yarden Frankl

Neve Daniel

 

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Comments

  1. Linda says:

    I am sure it’s just a bump in the road! God just doesnt want us to ease up on our prayers for Stella! So back on overtime prayers & it starts right now!!! On your knees everyone!!!

  2. frady moskowitz says:

    What can I say that has not been said or thought of by the supportive people in your community?? We ache for you and pray with you. And think of you always.

  3. rutimizrachi says:

    Thanks for saying it for all of us, Yarden. I’ll try to be hopeful (and helpful) again tomorrow. Today I’m just too angry.

    May we all be good soldiers again. We’ve got a good record. Stella’s Warriors – 1, Cancer – 0. Time to suit up and kick some aberrant-cell tukis one more time, for good.

  4. Ruth says:

    I will daven for you with even more kavono, b’n.
    I will WILL this thing to go away and keep that way, never to return.
    With YOUR attitude Stella, it surely must know that it is not welcome in your body.

    Refuoh shelemo, With love,
    Ruth

  5. offir dor says:

    Dear Yarden
    I do not know if you will come tommorow for our run to JM , but we will prey for Stella all th way to Yerushaleem !! I will make sure we dedicate this one for you guys , now i really need to make it there.
    Offir

  6. Miriam says:

    Words can not express how sorry I am to hear your news.

    Your Stella is a very strong woman. She beat this monster once and I’m sure she will beat it again.

    May Stella have a Refua Shelayma quickly and this be the last time your family receives any bad news.

    Miriam

  7. Damn, damn, damn! Fuck you cancer INDEED. I am so so sorry. Will ramp up the prayers/kavana.

  8. שירה גוטמן says:

    Refua shelayma!!!
    Dear Stella, BH you will win this round just as you did last time and very soon!
    You’re in my prayers…
    Shira.

  9. Stephanie Frumkin says:

    Yarden and Stella,
    So sorry to hear this news! I have been davening for Stella and will continue. It is apparent that with everyone’s tefillot amazing things can happen!
    Refuah shelaima.
    Stephanie

  10. Greg Neilsen says:

    Yarden,
    I too am tired of swear words. Sometimes it is like they are every other word out of a person’s mouth. I want to tell them to get a better vocabulary and wash their mouths out with soap. But when it comes to cancer, swear words don’t seem strong enough. I am thinking of you, Stella and your family. Greg

  11. Devorah says:

    Yarden,
    Your strengh is a light for many. Bezrat hashem may your Stella again beat the demon and have a long healthy and prosperous life together with her loved ones. Our tfillot are with you.

  12. A says:

    Coach,
    I know you won’t give up. Stella beat it once, we know she can beat it again- this time for good! She and your family are still in my thoughts and prayers. Chazak vi’amatz.
    Adina

  13. elana says:

    Yarden and Stella I’m so sorry to hear. Davening for you. Thinking of you Elana

  14. LINDA REAP says:

    Positive thoughts (only) for dear sweet COOKIE!!

  15. Lori and Eric Solat says:

    this sucks to hear this news… thinking of all of you. davening for Stella for a complete refuah sheleimah

  16. Sharon Baratt says:

    Dearest Stella & Yarden,

    My thoughts, prayers, & tehillim are with you.

    Stella’s Army: Atten Hut! Forward March! Double-time!

  17. Eli says:

    She’s on my list and while you don’t know me, I hope you know you are all on my mind, in my heart and most always in my prayers.

  18. happiness says:

    DAMN!

  19. David Ehrlich says:

    Ein Milim..I was JUST speaking to a friend this week about what a ness Stella is!!! She beat it once..she’ll do it again!!
    Our tfilllot are with you!!!
    David

  20. Yitzchak & Esther Van Leeuwen says:

    Yarden, Stella – all we can pray for is Refuah Shlema!!! only this time around it should be MUCH MUCH faster and easier – you had more than your share of the “C” word.

  21. Batya says:

    I never take cancer patients’ names off the list. Having cancer is such a reminder how we have no control and all of us get closer to death every day.
    Refuah Shleimah

  22. Chava says:

    I follow your blog/facebook sporadically and though you don’t know me, I wanted to let you know that I’m davening for your wife and just asked 2 of my brothers to pray for her at the gravesite of our Rebbe.

    Looking forward to hearing revealed good news from you!

  23. Erika says:

    Well since you already opened the door I’d like to show my support and add my middle finger to the mix and I’m flipping it at cancer!
    Refuah shleimah Tzuria Kochevet bat Sarah! I hope to meet you someday…
    Love,
    Erika

  24. Karen Eisenberg says:

    You’re not the first person to feel this way.

    http://www.zazzle.com/fuck+cancer+gifts