Dear God

Posted on September 3rd, 2013

Dear God,

This is the second time I have written an open letter to you before Rosh Hashanah.

Two years ago, when Stella was not given much time to live and much less to live well, I pleaded on her behalf. I enlisted friends to pray for her, and these friends became an Army.

And you listened to those prayers. In the past two years, we have done things people never do in their whole lifetimes. We rode roller coasters and swam with dolphins. I ran ultra-marathons and rode my bike across a desert and up a mountain. In doing so, we raised money for the medical needs of families in Gush Etzion and cancer patients at Shaare Zedek hospital. The “Stella’s Army” chemo room is  thanks to the time you gave us.

Every day we receive messages, often from people we have never met telling us that we have inspired them. That we have somehow made their lives better, richer.

We got to celebrate our daughter’s Bat Mitzvah — a day I called the “Happiest Day of My Life.” With family and friends we danced and danced because we believed we had done the impossible. I will never forget a single second of that day and I doubt any who were there will also. Our hearts glowed that night because the nightmare was over.

And maybe it was for awhile.

And I know the happiness of the past two years because of all the pictures I have hung from my walls. All taken over the last two years, all pictures of Stella and my family with huge, happy smiles that now shine from my walls. Let no one ever say that we have lived these past two years in sadness.

And for the past two years, for answering our prayers, I thank you. There have been too many good times to now turn away and say it was for nothing.

But it is night again.

And the night has never been darker.

And with time and options running out, I turn to you again.

Of course, I beg for a miracle. Miracles can always happen and can happen in the blink of an eye.

But I have more requests if that one is not the plan.

I plead that Stella not suffer. Every time I think that her pain and her struggles cannot get worse, they do. Fine, I know that the wise men of all religions the world has ever known have said that sometimes we simply cannot understand the ways of the divine.

But to make this angel of a woman suffer so, how is that just? How will that strengthen anyone’s faith? How can I pray to a merciful God when every night I hear the woman I have loved for twenty-eight years in agony. Stop the pain.

And I have a second request.

Help my children.

Is there any possible reason for the torture — and that is what it is — that they are going through? And what of tomorrow? Or next week? They have good souls. They have good hearts. How can a child watch while a disease literally consumes their mother? They may think that they have hidden their pain from me, but I see it. I feel it. When my daughter’s school announces a special mother-daughter program, what is she to think? With all your power, can you do nothing to help children?

And I’m not done.

I have one more request.

Help me.

Help me stay mentally and emotionally strong enough to deal with what is going on without going to pieces. Help me stay sane while I see the life that I have built come tumbling down around me. I look ahead and only see black. What sort of a person does that make me?

So far, my friends have helped me cope and always been there for me. But there is only so much they can do because there is only so much I can take. Anger, fear, depression — are these all I will be left with?

Are these things really too much to ask for?

Whether they are or not, I don’t care. I’m asking.

I mean no ingratitude for the miracles of the past two years, but I need your help now.

Let the sound of the shofar blasts pierce the heavens and grant my requests now.

Please, in this new year, let no one suffer from disease, let no child have to watch a parent wasting away.

And let no spouse feel that he is falling down a bottomless pit.

Yarden

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. Amy says:

    Yarden, we spend a lot of time talking about Stella’s strength.
    But let me tell you something, YOU are one of the strongest people I’ve ever known.

    YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH

    You, and the kids, and your family as whole.

    It will be a battle. There will be black days. But then there will be the strength and love on which you and Stella built your family. That’s the core and that’s what will withstand.

    And you have a whole community, a whole world of people who will be there to help all of you through the dark.

    You know that I am saying this because I hope of anyone, you can hear it from me.

  2. Raizi Rosen says:

    May your prayers be answered.
    And all the other prayers for Tzuriya Kochevet bat Sarah.
    Wishing your family a year of miracles!

  3. rachel himels says:

    We are reading this and know that we are with you.

  4. carla says:

    We love you and Stella. We wish you both peace….no pain…and gentleness all around you and your children. WE wish we could take this all away.

  5. Yonina says:

    Yarden
    This is heartwrenching.
    I pray for your prayers to be answered.
    Please no more suffering for Stella.
    Hang in there.

  6. Miriam Poch says:

    We are all still praying for your miracles. Indeed let the shofar break through the walls of heaven, and may all our prayers be answered Le Tova. Miriam.

  7. R & R says:

    We are with you & are echoing your requests.

  8. Susan says:

    We are praying that everyone of your prayers are answered

  9. Mary Bruck says:

    Yarden, the love you have for Stella and the children is so beautiful and such a gift. I am sure it makes what you are going through even more painful. I wish I had the power to make those changes for you, but all I can do is pray. I am praying as hard as I can for that miracle.

  10. Steven Wolinsky says:

    We will continue to daven for Tzuriya Kochevet bat Sarah. Refuah Shelema. And Yarden, keep strong.

  11. Judy Rheome-DeSantis says:

    Yarden, I am praying for the light and the peace and the love of God to surround your family as you find your footing. You are always near to my thoughts, and do lean on those that love you.

  12. jeannette says:

    My heart goes ut to you and your beautiful family.I have been following you for a long time and I pray that Stella will find peace , And that God will give you the strength to go on.

  13. Iris says:

    Yarden, you have expressed what so many of us are feeling/thinking. It may be impossible to understand any of this right now, but Hashem is there for you in the long run. He has your back and Stella’s and the kids. You will get through this.

  14. Stephanie says:

    Jordan and Stella,
    Thinking of you very often and praying for a refuah shelaima. I’ll be davening extra hard this Rosh Hashana for another miracle.
    May you all have peace, strength, and good health.
    Love,
    Stephanie

  15. David says:

    Yarden, may your prayers be answered speedily, for the good. You and Stella are amazing people. You have our love and prayers.

  16. Ruth Novice says:

    Yarden, Whenever I daven for Stella I keep you and your family in mind, and all the other families who suffer similarly, and that s often. You are so verbal, strong, and exude so much love for Stella and your family. It is amazing, heartwarming, and wondrous. I ask myself: “How would I react were I placed in a position like yours?”. Not as upbeat as you. Chasimu v’chasimo tovo.
    Ruth.

  17. Sharon Baratt says:

    Yarden, dearest Yarden, words fail me. We are davening and baking challah for Stella’s Refuah schleima. I pray for G-d to give you strength and to grant you what you need. Much love and hugs…

  18. Mike Eastman says:

    I don’t pray much. Not really my thing. But I am praying for Stella and for you and your family. Love to you all.

  19. Haya says:

    Harden we join your prayes u did not ask for a Ferrari just the basic needs
    We join u and tell Hashem weather he wants to hear we demand a miracle u guys deserve every bit
    So here we send you a hug tell you how much good you have done for all around you
    And we tell Hashem grant this man and his family this and much much more
    Gd you can do it and please do
    תכלה שנה וקללותיה תחל שנה וברכותיה
    Ty again for sharing

  20. Alan Schleider says:

    Yarden – Your t`fillot are as mature and real as t`fillot can get. How ever HaShem responds, let it be for ultimate tova.

  21. Karyn London says:

    Yarden-

    Not just while reading your latest plea to Hashem, but always,
    we are praying with you and for you that a miracle is granted
    and, that until that “blink of an eye”
    Stella’s days and nights should be pain and suffering FREE and filled with many good moments. Stay strong all of you
    may all your prayers, our prayers and everyone standing with you be answered.

    Karyn and David

  22. toby says:

    We’re all thinking of you and will continue to do so this chag. Sending warm karma from all the Curwins in Efrat!

  23. Lindsey Steinberg says:

    Yarden, I am not much of a siddur davener- hard to connect. Even the Yamim Noraim are hard for me as I feel alientated from everyone else in shul. But this posting has inspired me to go to shul this year and daven for beautiful Stella and the family with the community. I want to thank you for asking for help – your pain and davening for you will connect us to our own. You and Stella are true Shlichim of Hashem.

  24. Dan Ostroff says:

    The amount of good you and Stella have brought forth is invaluable.

    We should merit to have the capacity to receive the bracha and whatever Hashem sends us.

    Tekateva v’techatem

  25. Jill Shames says:

    Amen. And may the Merciful One grant a Refuah Shlema in every sense of the phrase, to Stella, to you, to your family, to Our People and to the Righteous of all Nations.

  26. Tracey Cutler says:

    Lord, I ask that you please help Yarden & Stella (and their children) during this very very difficult & sad time. I pray that you will take the pain away from Stella and let her feel your peace and love, shine your light upon her. I pray that you will help Yarden cope with the pressure of that which he faces, help him to see the light of your love, if even just a glimpse to help him get through this unfathomable task of endurance. And please, bless the children, guard their hearts, protect their minds and wrap your loving-protective arms around them as they come to terms with that which is happening around them. I pray for your mercy and loving kindness, that you will spread your protective light as an all encompassing shield around each member of this family and to those who have been touched by their lives. Amen.

  27. Malkah Fleisher says:

    where do I sign?