Posted on January 1st, 2014
I re-wrote some of my last post. Took out the cursing and the finger pointing.
You see, I was in a bad mood when I wrote it. I was in more than a bad mood, I was crashing.
Just watching the video of Stella singing and laughing with friends was literally crushing.
And you want to know the truth? I should not have watched it.
No one is saying that.
Except for me.
Let me explain what I really meant in the last post. Because I implied that someone had told me I should forget Stella and all of you leapt to my defense and came charging in with comments and Facebook posts screaming at this terrible idea.
But I was not clear and many of you got the wrong idea.
No one — no one — is suggesting that I never look at a picture of Stella. No one says that I should just move on after two months as if nothing happened. The very thought is ridiculous. I will still be looking at pictures and remembering Stella till the day I die, even if I live until one hundred and twenty.
BUT — and here’s the key — that does not mean that it is a good idea for me to all the time to be reminded of my loss. For example, I changed my cell phone home screen and my Facebook icon. Because seeing Stella pop up smiling whenever someone called me or I posted…. it just hurt. It became a sharp punch to my heart. It was like stumbling onto that video.
I want to remember Stella on my own terms. When I am by myself or with a few close friends, and I can remember good times. But, if I put her picture up in my new bedroom, I might never leave. And that’s not what I want and certainly not what Stella would want.
Stella was quite clear. Her number one worry was not dying, but the impact her death would have on all of us. She made me promise that I would learn how to live again. That cancer might claim her life, but it was not going to take me down too.
It’s not easy, for sure. I have rough moments every day. But I also have some good moments. Sometimes I surprise myself by feeling good. And I always look up to the sky and smile when that happens. And I feel her pat me on the back and know that somewhere in heaven, she is watching me and glad when I am able to escape the grief and depression.
Don’t worry. No one is telling me not to grieve. No one expects me to forget my angel. But I have to learn to differentiate between reminders of Stella that make me happy, and reminders that she is not here, that take the air from my lungs.
So thanks for all your words. I know you all have my back. But it’s ok. I’m making progress.
Yarden Frankl, Neve Daniel
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