I have said before that the nights are the hardest part for me.

I have lain awake countless times at around two or three in the morning, when my strength is gone and keeping the nightmares at bay is just too much.

Eventually, I give up on trying to get back to sleep and just “long for the dawn” as the Psalm (Tehillim 130) says.

On both a literal and figurative level, the battle with cancer is like one long night.

You long for the sun to come up because usually you feel a little more in control when the sun is shining.

You feel a little bit more hope with each new dawn. When Stella is up and we talk, I feel a bit more of a sense of normalcy and can often push the nightmares back into the box where they hide out.

But getting through the night gets harder and harder.

And I am getting really tired.

I’m tired of feeling helpless while Stella fights her courageous battle with the cancer that has turned our lives upside down. Demonstrating love and support and comfort are a given. Of course I do that as much as I can. But I need to do more.

So I have come up with an idea, and I hope you will join me.

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First of all, Stella is feeling much better. The way it works is like this. Every third Monday she has chemo at the hospital. This makes her “uncomfortable” for about a week. (Note: For those who don’t speak Stella, “uncomfortable” means a state far beyond what any of us could deal with. It’s a bit like when I say the hill we are starting to bike up is “not bad.” Yes, to know the Frankls is to know several unique languages.)

After a week, there is about five days when she is “not 100%.” (Translation: She feels awful.) But then, she gets a bit over a week in which she feels really good. She walks the dog at dawn, cooks, works, and does almost everything she used to do before we were told “the news.”

So right now, in answer to all the questions, she is feeling good and trying to absorb some calories by eating melted Ben and Jerry’s. (Try finding that one in any of the “anti-cancer diet” books.)

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The following was the first thing I wrote on this blog (which was a newspaper column at the time.) Six years ago today.

First Thoughts

July 14, 2005
“Today is the Tomorrow that We Longed for Yesterday”

The words from one of my favorite songs could not have been more appropriate as we waited to disembark from the Aliyah flight. After years of longing, we were finally about to step off the plane as citizens of Israel. I thought of all the pain of leaving the family and friends we loved. I was anxious about what our new life would be like. At the same time, I felt so proud that we had finally taken this step – that we had done what we talked about so often.

The flight had been like no other. The plane was an all-Aliyah charter sponsored by Nefesh B’ Nefesh. Exhausted but proud, we listened as we were welcomed “home.” Just hearing the word “home” brought tears to my eyes.

We stepped off the plane into the sunshine and heard our friends screaming for us from the other side of the barricade. They had made Aliyah the year before and had inspired us in our decision. I cannot relate the feeling of joy as I ran over and jumped the barricade into their welcoming arms. Our new lives in Israel had begun.

 So now, here we are, six years later. We are facing an ordeal that makes making Aliyah seem easy. We are shedding tears, but this time not from a happy feeling of accomplishment, now they are tears because we are afraid. Our friends who were screaming from the other side of the barricade are still with us, holding our hands and being our “rocks.”

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Today’s post was hard.

Why?

Because we have nothing to report.

No tests, results, meetings, etc.

I originally thought that it would be nice to have a day “off,” but it wasn’t so great.

Someone described  dealing with cancer as “hurry up…..and wait.”

It is very true.

One day the Doctor calls and says “could you just swing by the hospital right now?” and you end up spending half a day there.

Other times, like today, you wait all day to hear test results that just don’t come.

I assume that since it’s now Thursday or Friday (it’s actually 3:00 AM, kinda of in between,) that we must wait until Sunday now to hear the results of the PT Scan.

But what do I know, this is our first time on this ride.

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Dear Friends,

We need to tell you something.

It’s something we have known for a couple of days “unofficially,” but it is still difficult and frightening to say.

Especially now that it is official, confirmed, with no more “slight chance” of error.

I am going to whisper it at first.

Lean in close, this is tough to write.

Stella has cancer.

(breathe)

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