When you ask me how Stella is doing, I might answer you.
Or I might turn my back on you and scurry away.
Either way, you will have my answer.
So now I probably confused everyone.
Didn’t Stella have the miracle operation? What happened to “She will be cured, she will be cured……(breathe)?”
Yes, that IS still the hope. But it’s a bit more complicated than that. Let me explain.
Last night I came home from the hospital and tried to write an update. But I was exhausted and depressed and had nothing really significant to say. Since the surgery, Stella has been in a great deal of pain, both physical and (as I could tell from her usually smiling face) — mental. She was utterly despondent and nothing I could say or do would cheer her up. The nurses made her go from the bed to a chair which she hated because of the pain of sitting up. As soon as she could, she got back into the bed and closed her eyes in a morphine induced sleep.
I felt completely helpless and so I tried a few times to find some optimistic things to tell you, her Army, and I just couldn’t. I fell asleep with my laptop open on my pillow filled with sad words.
Stella in the cancer curing Alyn jacket
I know it’s the chemo and not the cancer, but it is so painful to see Stella suffering. This cycle has been really bad so far. I sit holding her hand and just wish there was something else I could do for her.
Sorry, but this is not going to be one of those upbeat positive entries. In many ways, it is easier to write about hope and battling cancer than to actually watch someone doing so. I look at her beautiful face and think of all the smiles and laughs we have shared. I know, I know — this is not an urgent crisis, it’s just part of the chemo cycle and within a few days she will be up and about, walking the dog as the sun comes up, and going to work.
But I don’t really know.
I’m scared.
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